Note: Rather than typing up new post after new post, I'll be editing this post over time, adding different sources. So this post will be gradually growing, as I find more people speaking on the topic. If you check back once in a while, you may find something new here.
Also, note that this post has been split into two posts, roughly corresponding to the topics of attraction and commitment.
Think of this post as one giant footnote (or perhaps an epilogue).
As many readers will know, about two-and-a-half months ago I wrote a pair of posts on the overabundance of unmarried Christian adults in today's world. In those posts I worked through some of the causes I perceived for this persistent problem. If you're unfamiliar with these posts, you can here read part one and part two.
The response to these essays was entirely unexpected. I received more hits to this blog in that week than all of my blogs did in the prior year. And while I suppose I'm glad to know that people were willing to read what I had to say, I hope more that it got readers thinking and discussing the ideas and acting upon the conclusions at which they arrived.
Those two essays were the product of a long period of reflection and prayer about the subject. But as I noted in each post, it wasn't until I found authoritative echoing of my thoughts in the writings of Christian authorities whose judgment, theology, and wisdom I trusted, that I finally sat down to write and publish my thoughts.
This summer I have been reading a lot of theology, as but one exercise as I consider enrolling in seminary after I graduate from law school next spring. One of the areas of 'practical theology' that I have been reading is sex, marriage, gender roles, and the like. And so from time to time I have encountered at least a few articles which address these issues.
Thus the purpose of this post is to share with you others' thoughts on the topics about which I wrote in the previous two posts. I myself won't be saying anything new, but will let the other authors speak primarily. And while this isn't new ground, per se, neither is it simply retreading old ground. Imagine it as the same ground turned over by the plow anew.
I don't quote these authors as proof for my thesis, but as evidence that the accord with which they say it warrants the topic consideration, prayer, and discussion. That is all I ask of those who read. After all, I am no guiding beacon of righteousness on these matters, but am someone who can point the finger at himself with every passage posted above.
Do Looks Matter?
Pastor and assistant professor Jeremy Pierre writes about romantic attraction and the role that God plays in transforming our standards of attraction. Attraction is vitally important, he says, but our standards of attraction are also something which God is in the process of redeeming in us.
Marital love involves valuing your spouse's body. But this isn't exactly the same thing as finding it attractive, at least not in the way we typically think of finding something attractive. We may inadvertently assume that being attracted to something is primarily about its level of attractiveness. Attraction seems like it just happens without our conscious participation, and we therefore conclude it is beyond our control. You're attracted to someone, or you're not, and that's that. But attraction seems so automatic because we are culturally influenced even at the level of desire. Our preferences unwittingly imitate the narrow criteria for beauty reflected in fitness magazines or clothing advertisements, in the fashion of the day or the remarks of family members.
Without dismissing entirely the mysterious nature of attraction, I wish to point out that we are more capable than we often recognize of directing our preferences. We should not presume that our initial aesthetic sensibilities are an unchallengeable law within us. We have some level of direction over them.
This principle can inform the way we seek a spouse. Perhaps this means that singles should be willing to direct their affections toward potential spouses they may not initially find attractive. My reasoning is not that looks are unimportant—remember, our bodies are a vital aspect of who we are. Rather, my reasoning is that our opinion of what constitutes good looks must not be an idol carved in stone. We need to be willing to challenge our own preferences regarding physical attraction in light of the greater principle that attraction stems from valuing a person.
Man Enough to Love a Real Woman
This recent article addresses the problem of idealizing our spouse to the point that every except Lizzy Bennet or Mr. Darcy is excluded as a possibility. Though written from the point of view of a man, it can certainly apply just as well to women.
I was like a lot of single, Christian guys. I just wanted to follow God's will in finding a wife — that's all — oh yeah, and I also wanted a modest version of the Cosmo girl. And, well, I didn't want her to be too needy. Oh, and she also needed to be smart — really smart — but not, like, so smart that she made me feel stupid. And, of course, she needed to be spiritually mature (you know, like me). And one more thing: I wanted her to have a cool and fun personality (whatever that meant).
In other words, I wanted to date the perfect Christian girl — not a real woman.
Of course, I knew what a real woman was like. I grew up in a Christian home with lots of real women around, each of them imperfect in one way or another, yet fully feminine. These women had opinions, unshakable faith, curves, feelings, hormonal surges, weight fluctuations, talents, wrinkles and a regular need for affirmation. It didn't bother me: It was part of who they were, and I loved them for it.
But when it came to prospective mates, I wasn't so gracious. I figured I deserved to have the best qualities of every woman wrapped into a nice package, waiting at the end of a rainbow. And yet, despite meeting dozens of women in my quest, I could never find that perfect, Christian girl. But that didn't stop me from looking for her — until I discovered that, in fact, I wasn't the perfect Christian guy.
Did You Marry the Wrong Person?
Tim Challies, pastor at Grace Fellowship Church, writes about the worries of marrying 'the wrong person' and, in doing so, speaks to the problem that we have with trying to find an 'optimal' spouse, the wrong perspective that such a worry evinces, and the futility in that quest.
I guarantee that you have married the wrong person. We all marry the wrong person. Perhaps I should say it like this: we all marry the “wrong” person. We all marry a person who sins against us, who sometimes exasperates us by helping us worship our idols and at other times irritates us by smashing them to pieces. . . . The wrongness of our spouse is one of the great formative influences on us. The wrongness and the apparent incompatibilities are the very things God uses to mold and shape us. A few years down the road you will look back on all of that wrongness, all you declared to be wrong about your husband or wife, and find that God was not wrong at all. He knew exactly what you needed.Men and Women at Prayer
What I have found is that often times, when someone fears that he has married the wrong person, or when he fears that he is about to marry the wrong person, he is looking at the differences between himself and this other person and lamenting that this other person is not more like him. He may describe her personality or preferences or passions, but what he is really doing is showing that he wants this woman, this potential wife, to be more like him. If only she was…me! Too many men, too many women, truly want to marry an image of themselves. And why not? You tend to like your preferences, to like your idols, to like your likes.
But ask any married person what his life would be like if he had married someone who was just like himself and you’ll see the folly of it. Her talkativeness was just the antidote to your quiet nature, drawing you out, filling your home with godly words. Your sexual freedom was just what she needed to release her fears and teach her how to express love in a whole new way. Her constant lateness taught you to be patient and showed you that she wasn’t late because she was selfish, but because she cared, just like Jesus when he showed up “too late” to save his friend Lazarus. In all these ways and so many more, God uses incompatibilities to produce godliness. These differences are truly glorious, the means by which God helps us put our own sin to death.
The next piece is by Dr. Philip G. Ryken, former pastor of Tenth Presbyterian Church and current President of Wheaton College, from his commentary on 1 Timothy. Ryken's commentaries are essentially edited versions of his expository sermons, and in this sermon, Ryken speaks to what should make a Christian woman attractive to a Christian man and how women should make themselves attractive to Christian men.
Men are usually part of the problem. By evaluating women primarily by their looks, men make women slaves to their appearance. Of course, there must be a sexual attraction between a husband and wife. But a single man who looks primarily for outward beauty is not looking at women the way God looks at them. He has an ungodly aesthetic. . . .
The way to become more attractive is through godliness, not gaudiness. A woman is made beautiful by what she does, not what she wears. This means that the older a woman gets, the more beautiful she can become! Outwardly, the aging process cannot be reversed (see Prov. 31:30); inwardly, a godly woman is becoming more and more beautiful all the time (see 2 Cor. 4:16).
True beauty comes from nurturing the inward woman. Ask questions like these: How much money do I spend on my appearance—on clothes, jewelry, cosmetics, beauty treatments, and the like? How does that compare with my giving to the Lord's work? How much time do I spend in front of the mirror, and how much time do I spend on my knees? . . .
Good works are what a man should look for in a woman. When a man notices a woman who is devoted to the Lord, who gives good counsel, who handles her professional work with integrity, who loves children, who cares for the sick, and who feeds the poor, he should not say, "She's not all that good-looking, but she really loves the Lord!" Instead, he should say, "Now there is a beautiful woman!" A woman who is beautiful in the eyes of God ought to be beautiful in the eyes of godly men.
'The Bar'
Chris Castaldo is Director of the Ministry of Gospel Renewal for the Billy Graham Center at Wheaton College. Having been raised Catholic, he has written extensively about Protestant-Catholic relations. In his article Dating Across the Catholic/Protestant Divide he addresses cross-denominational dating. While much of the article is addressed to this particular issue, in the context of counseling a particular young woman who came to him, he does make a broader point about what women should seek in men:
The bar must be higher than simply finding a "Christian man" (this is when I imagine that I am talking to my daughter and become animated). I told Ann, "You want a guy who is a man of the Word, who is captivated by the triune God. Someone whose life is defined by redemptive grace from top to bottom, who embodies it, proclaims it, and understands his marital calling in terms shepherding you by this grace. And, if the Lord should one day bless you with children, realize that this man will be one of two people who most influence your family's spiritual life. You're not looking for perfection; but he must demonstrate a credible trajectory toward gospel priorities."
Friendship, Courtship & Dating
This one is a bit hard to link to, since it's multiple word documents from a seminar series. So I'll just link to the zip file containing them all. It is a 13-part series on the full spectrum of romantic relationships, starting from friendship all the way up until marriage, and it addresses each stage in light of God's design for marriage.
The piece I want to pull from here deals with the second essay I wrote. In that post, my assertion was that too many Christian singles have faulty standards of attraction or rely too much of notions of 'compatibility'. Thus, part of the reason why so many Christian men and women remain unmarried late into their twenties is because they have idealized romance and marriage or approach it as a modern consumer. Rather, we should approach dating and marriage with more biblical, realistic standards.
In my post I stated that 'godliness' should be the primary factor men and women should look, but I declined to attempt to define that, aside from bits scattered about. So, the passage I'll pull from the seminar series attempts to define that more precisely through a string of questions to ask about a potential spouse.
In many cases, not having godly priorities and choosing someone who does not exhibit godliness is tantamount to choosing a lifetime of difficulty and struggle. You don't need someone who is perfect, but you do need someone who desires to grow in godliness. This is one of the most important decisions you will ever make, so be careful of the pull and attraction of more worldly priorities. Scripture makes very clear the importance of godliness, so make it the highest on your list.
Ten General Questions to Ask
Here are some general things to consider as you evaluate someone of interest:
- Is he/she clearly a believer? (2 Cor 6:14-15) If you have any uncertainty about this, get counsel from others before you move towards a relationship.
- Does he/she show an evident love for God (in how he/she spends time, money etc.)?
- Does he/she show an evident love for God's Word?
- Is there clear evidence of Christian character? Does he/she exhibit the fruits of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23) – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control?
- Is he/she fruitful in ministry? Or does he/she seem somewhat passive?
- Does he/she show clear regard and care for others?
- Is he/she faithful and consistent in the Christian life in prayer, scriptural study, etc?
- Does he/she have the same view and valuation of marriage as you?
- Do you trust him/her and trust his/her character?
- Do those who you know and trust think highly of this person?
Questions for Women to Ask
- Is this a man you respect? Could you envision yourself submitting to and following him over the course of your lives together? (Eph. 5:22-24) Would this man's leadership make submission a burden, or a delight?
- Do you believe he will care well for you and your children? Will he serve you and encourage your spiritual growth? (1 Tim. 5:8) (If you are not sure of this, you can get clues by watching how he interacts with his parents and family, how he interacts with seniors in the church, how he interacts with children in at church?)
- Is he growing in godliness and in the characteristics of biblical manhood? (1 Timothy 3, Titus 1 and 1 Peter 3)
Questions for Men to Ask
- Do you believe she will care for you well and be a good mother and discipler to your children (as biblically defined)? (Titus 2:4-5)
- Is she growing in godliness and in the characteristics of biblical womanhood (see Proverbs 31 and 1 Peter 3)?
- Do you envision her being supportive of you and the God-given task of marriage? (Gen 2; 1 Peter 3)
- Can you envision her following you and being responsive to your leadership? Would she encourage you in the task of leadership?
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